Release date: January 25, 2013 (USA) Director: Don Coscarelli Screenplay: Don Coscarelli Story by: David Wong Genres: Fantasy, Horror, Comedy When you see a poster that advertises, "From the director of Phantasm, and Buba Ho-Tep" You might think, "Oh boy, 'Phantasm', but oh...oh yeah...'Buba Ho-Tep." I'm not saying that "Buba Ho-Tep" was a bad movie. It was very silly, and very strange, and if you don't like that sort of thing, you may find it very stupid. And I feel very sad to admit that "John Dies At The End" doesn't really work in most areas of the horror-comedy film genre. In fact, the film would continue to surprise me with strange occurrences one after the other...and it would never stop. Do I recommend "Phantasm" lovers...no. Actually, I don't recommend this film in general, and I don't think I can really compare this to any other film I know. Our film takes place mostly in a Chinese restaurant over an interview that explains the effects of a new street drug called "soy sauce." The drug itself...is not soy sauce, but it has the ability to send the user across time and space, sometimes landing in other dimensions. There's a catch however. At any moment the drug can turn you into a freaky alien from another dimension...so there are moderate side affects at best. To friends use this ability to do their job...which is killing inter-dimensional beings that have infested choice homes. It's like "Ghostbusters" with no dignity and less humor. And it is a stupid movie, and I really didn't want it to be. But what was I really expecting from the guys who are well known for the stupidly strange. The camerawork is done well, and I like the surrealism of the real world mixed with other dimensions. Even the acting is done well, and great performances come out of the majority of the cast. Almost everything about the film in general is...good. It is, and I don't have too many complaints, with the exception of a few upcoming complaints. I did not like the story, or at least its execution. And, I'm not saying that I don't like the story because it's bad, but because it's just waayyyyy too strange for me. But, then again, what was I expecting from the director of "Phantasm"? Of course it's going to be strange, and If you like strange, this might be for you...? But I don't know! I can't tell these things. It was kinda just too weird for me...and this is kind of hitting the same level of weird as "Dr. Tarr's Tourture Dungeon," just more awkward. The only other thing that I didn't really like about the film was the CG, and I know that if you've read my review of "Star Trek" then you know my feelings for it's overabundance in current films. But, you may be surprised to find out that the reason I didn't like the CG in "John Dies At The End" was because the developers of the film clearly didn't have the budget to render much of anything. And that's very sad to me because I wonder if I would have liked it better if the CG was better, but I'm not sure.
Well, I think I'm going to end things here. I know that this review was very short and I apologies for that, or at least to anyone that cares. Do I recommend this film, no. Go watch something better, because there are many things in this movie that could have been improved upon and have been improved upon in several other films. And I really don't like having to say that, because I was excited for this film. But when finally watching it, I didn't like the humor because it didn't work with the story. Well, at least for me it didn't. It was so strange! So if you really want to, go and watch it, and if you already have I'm sorry but I can't refund you eight dollars. 6.0/10
Release date:1990 (initial release) Director:Claudio Fragasso MPAA rating:PG-13 Prequel:Troll Sequel: Troll 3 Cast:Michael Stephenson, George Hardy, Connie Young, Jason F. Wright There really is no way to tell someone who doesn't know about "Troll 2" what the movie is about. Of course I can tell you that Joshua goes with his family on a vacation to Nilbog, a farming community that is somehow completely devoid of farmland and populated by Goblins (not trolls, but goblins) disguised as humans who, throughout the movie, plot to eat the family by first turning them into vegetation, because these are vegan goblins, and Joshua, is the only one who can save them because he's the only one who knows that the humans are goblins because his Grandfather tells him from beyond the grave. I could tell you this, but that surprisingly would not be doing the film justice. Troll 2 has been claimed, not to be the worst movie of all time, but the best worst movie of all time. Because of this, fans have branched into two categories; those who like the camp value of the film, and those that loathe it. Naturally, Troll 2 became an ever-expanding cult phenomenon among movie lovers alike. There are several reasons why this movie doesn't work, and is flawed beyond belief. You might even think that the film wasn't finished because of how many terrible choices the director made in the making of his film. But, the idea that the viewers of this film had yet to grasp during "Troll 2"'s release in 1990, was that the film was meant to appeal to a different kind of audience. The audience that took films like this seriously.
The problem with this, of course, is that this is simply not a good movie. And I feel really bad for director Claudio Fragasso when I listen to interviews that reveal that he intended to make a good movie and thinks he actually did. I don't think that he's crazy for thinking that antagonizing vegans is simply the work of powerful cinema, and I also don't think that he is willing to change himself for today's type of audience. When I look at Fragasso, I see a man who has a very specific taste. I see someone who might be a bit too stubborn to realize what a terrible thing he's created, and I also see someone who never intended to create a cult film sensation like Troll 2. It's sad that Claudio will never really get the attention he believes he deserves. I also find it sad that his enthusiasm exceeds his talent. But, Fragasso understands that attention is simply attention and that you have to enjoy a movie how you want to enjoy it. In order to really understand a movie that is so bad, yet so loved, you need to watch the documentary, "Best Worst Movie." This time, Michael Stephenson who played young protagonist Joshua from, "Troll 2" becomes the director of the re-telling of the cult phenomenon in his 2009 documentary, "Best Worst Movie." I won't review it, although it is a very good film, and it shows the way Stephenson redeems himself as a man of film-making. Instead of reviewing it, I'm using it as a different perspective of "Troll 2" in order to not simply say, "This is the worst movie that I have ever seen!" By watching this film I feel obligated to say a few things. First, one of the reasons why the acting in this film was...not as great as it could have been, was because the writing was translated from Italian to English (in a manner of speaking), so the actors struggled tremendously in trying to decipher what they were supposed to be saying in the film. This language barrier was the cause of maybe 50% of the mishaps in the film, not to mention one or two actors being downright insane during shooting. I can't talk about every problem the film had, because this review would last a few more pages than I'd like it to be, but I will tell you my main problem with it. The music is probably the worst I have ever heard. If you watch this movie you might think that the acting was the worst aspect, or the editing, or just the amount of plot holes, but no. The main problem was the music, and I'll tell you why. For the most part of the movie, there is no real problem with the score, until you get to any one of the "action sequences." Now think back to any horror film you've seen and try to remember how the score sounded. It might send shivers down your spine, or retain some of that creepy ambiance, as a good score should. But if you were to just listen to this song, would you ever think that this would be attached to a horror film?
No, it takes you out of the film! And you may be wondering why I'm even trying to understand a movie like "Troll 2", but after learning about this director it doesn't seem like he would haphazardly throw this song together and put it into a movie that he wanted to scare an audience with. He genuinely wanted to make a movie, but this score could simply be Claudio's way of "Americanizing" his film. (This better explained in the documentary). I'm almost certain that if you were to put some kind of an effective score in the film, it might work to its advantage...but that's just me being optimistic. In the documentary of the film, Claudio Fragasso talks about the "themes" placed throughout "Troll 2." These included "hunger," "life," "death," and "family." I suppose that these appear in the movie, yet, they play no part in the movie, nor are they even addressed to give the appearance of a "theme." What Claudio believes to be a motif in his film, comes off as a confusing misguided mess. You could give the excuse that because Claudio doesn't direct Americans well, he didn't get his point across, and so the final product didn't translate correctly for other Americans. This is probably true, but the writing in the movie turns it into such a disastrous train-wreak, that I can't tell anything apart from the confusing dialogue, the terrible acting, and every conceivable image in the film. It's like a code that, when deciphered, never really meant anything to begin with. When you realize this, you can either never look back at the film again, or you accept it for what you think it is. Then you begin to like it, and you begin to notice this special quality in the film. And that's when you realize, this movie was like no other film you had ever seen. If you don't really look into why Claudio Fragasso thinks he can make movies, you might enjoy this film. It is hysterical! "Troll 2" is an example of a movie that was made by aliens and sent to earth to see if we could respond. If that were to happen, just take a copy of "Plan 9 From Outer Space" as a retort, and send it to them. I enjoyed this film, and you might enjoy it too. But I suggest that you look at "Best Worst Movie" afterwards. It put the actors places into perspective for me, and I truly believe that these two movies were made to be watched together. But is "Troll 2" the worst movie ever made? Well, let me put it this way; I have not yet witnessed a movie worse than "Troll 2," and I've seen "Plan 9 From Outer Space," and "Santa Clause Conquers The Martians." ...I'm going to let that sink in for awhile... 2.7/10
On Cult Classic Theater I have reviewed many films, most of which many people have never heard of. I'm not too good at keeping my reviews grounded to the title of my blog, "cult classic," and I'm not sure what I should do about that. Regardless, I have still managed to broaden my perspective of the cinematic world, so in a way, I'm reaching past the former boundaries I've set for myself. I like that. I still enjoy this hobby I have made for myself and I hope to ,"stick with the program" for a couple more years if not more. In case you are wondering why I'm not reviewing this film yet, it's because I have reached a certain mile stone for this blog. a small feat, but a feat to be recognized at that. So, I'm pleased to show you, "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai: Across the 8th Dimension." This is my 50th review. But why this movie? Well, Buckaroo Banzai links to my past in a certain special way. I don't know...ya ever watched something as a kid, and then ten years later you watch it again and you get this overwhelming feeling of nostalgia from it. One of these movies (or in this case, short films) was of "The Night on Bald Mountain," a short from the film, Fantasia. Another one of these films is the one you're looking at, "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai: Across the 8th Dimension." Who is Buckaroo Banzai? The hero of our film, played by Peter Weller, is a race car driver...and a neurosurgeon...and a rock star. He is awesome, and a likable character at that. And that's the key word here; likability. Of course you would think to put this trait into any main character of a film, but with the other characteristics I have expressed to you about him, that might be a difficult feat to overcome. Surprisingly, director W.D Richter, does this phenomenally well. You have this guy who can do everything, but that can still come off as a realistic guy (for the most part). Our story is as follows; everyman Buckaroo Banzai and his parents have created a rocket car (if you will) to jump into other dimensions using a device called The Oscillation Overthruster. Buckaroo tests this device, and successfully drives...through a mountain. Yes, through a mountain. Actually, through a dimension inside of the mountain. However, upon re-entree to the third dimension, Banzai accidently brings back an alien or, "lectroid" artifact. Buckaroo Banzai finds out later, with the help of his crew called, The Hong Kong Cavaliers, that what Buckaroo had witnessed was the 8th dimension, during a meeting about the technology that brought Banzai there. He was contacted by, "black" Lectroids to be able to see the "red" Lectroid's because the red Lectroid's want to steal the Oscillation Overthruster, so that they can, "go home."
W.D Richter's character of Buckaroo Banzai is, in a way satirizing all of the hero's in films and books. The guy's that can have any woman they want, can do whatever he wants, everyone knows him, wants to be him, and approves everything he does. But, very differently, you still can see that Buckaroo is just a man. For example, Steven Spielberg takes a very different approach with the Indiana Jones Trilogy. Contrarily wise, THIS character is a jerk, but a doctor. He's rude, but heroic. However, the likability that is attached to Harrison Ford's character has to do with the duality of his character, and the choices he makes throughout the situations he comes across. So it really is up to you which of these, "every-men" you prefer.
Our villain is good (for the kind of camp this film wants to emit) but he is aside the film itself, meaning that although he has more to do with the story, there is no connection between him and Banzai, suggesting that this villain won't be around for very long. I can think of one reason why they might have done this. Buckaroo Banzai was meant to have several films to its name. The fact that, "across the 8th dimension" was a subtext, is a hint to that. Supposedly each film would feature Buckaroo banzai, along with his crew, "The Hong Kong Cavaliers" going around saving the world from evil. I sounded cool. It also sounded like a serial. A serial is series of short films, or episodes, that would be played in theaters on a scheduled time of week or month, depending on cost of production. Often times, nearing the end of each episode, there would be a cliff hanger. You would have to wait until the next episode to see how the hero would escape the danger he was previously confronted by. Buckaroo Banzai never incorporated cliff hangers, but would have separate stories for each film (*ahem* Indiana Jones). Sadly, W.D Richter's next installed adventure for Buckaroo Banzai, "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai: Against the World Crime League" never saw the light of day, although it was teased at the end of this film. I won't lie, I was so excited to watch that movie after finishing this one. You couldn't fathom. There are two ways I can look at this film: from a child's perspective, and from an analytical perspective. From a child standpoint, I really like this movie. But does that mean that it IS a good movie? no, of course not. The story is insane, the costumes are okay, I guess, Buckaroo has no weakness, so he isn't completely fleshed out as the film's hero, The Hong Kong Cavaliers have nothing that distinguishes their character besides their name, and what they wear, and it is a mess. But to this day I love every minuet of it. I'm sure fans of this film will agree that Buckaroo Banzai has its flaws, but what W.D Richter may have just been going for was a camp film. And guess what? It became a cult classic! So my blog title finally has one more percentage of meaning in its name. I hope that counts for something. 6.0/10
Alright, no more stalling any longer. I know that I've been cutting back on the content in my reviews after, "The Phantom of the Opera". But no longer! This time I'm going to go back. Back to when I took a week to write reviews and it was worth it. I'm really sorry to those of you reading, so think of this review as my apology to all of you. For this review I've picked something I'm really going to hate for a reason. The same reason I picked, "Santa Clause Concurs the Martians" so for this film I'm only really curious as to how bad it really is. I hope you'll enjoy the torture I'm about to go up against in today's review of, "Dracula vs. Frankenstein", and as always, enjoy.
What can you say about cross-over’s? It’s the guilty pleasure of the American film addict. Many crossovers from around the world have experimented on their pop culture icons colliding as well. To note a few, "Freddy vs. Jason", and basically 90% of the Godzilla franchise. However, where Godzilla movies were looser with teaming and pitting their characters together, this crossover is a very difficult and delicate procedure. Great time and effort would have to be spent to create the battle between two of the most beloved horror icons in America. The era that they tried to accomplish this in was the 70s, and they failed miserably at all of them. This movie in particular is the more famous one. However, while in production, this film wasn’t necessarily meant to have Dracula or Frankenstein in it. In fact, they were added in after they started shooting! Anyway I'm writing today to tell you what I think of,"The Kings of Horror Battling to the Death"!
We open in Oakmoor Cemetery, where we see someone, or something stealing a body from a grave. This scene is really dark (as in I can’t see anything), and I'm surprised that the actors could even act in such lighting. The park ranger (or in this case,"grave ranger") hears something, and goes outside to meet face to face with...Dracula! And he's got a fro! Wait, what? Hold on! Stop the review! Here's a little Vampire 101 for you.
Vampire 101
1.Dracula is Hungarian (unless Zandor Vorkov is Hungarian)
2.Dracula has no super strength, therefore he cannot grave rob single-handedly
3.Dracula doesn't have a fro!
Its like instead of telling his barber to give him, "the usual" he says to him, "surprise me". Well Dracula, you've certainly surprised me! The next scene shows a young woman walking barefoot in the fog at night, with some very strange lighting for...wherever she is. We see a couple of tombstones the farther she walks, and then...SHE GETS DECAPITATED! Wait, why was she outside in the first place? Why was she barefoot? Why would someone go out in the fog to walk through a graveyard? Do you find this quaint? Because it isn't! Do you know how many people there are who would agree to me asking, "Hey there! Do you want to take a walk with me outside, at night, barefoot, in a cemetery, where there are probably people that get there before you waiting with an axe to kill you?"....you'd actually be surprised but that's beside the point! After this gruesome decapitation, we are addressed to the other writer who thought that this was a completely different movie!
We go from a beheading by an axe murderer, to the beginning of the 70's musical. One of the performers, Ms. Fontain has a sister that was reported missing. We cut to a fair where we see that a,"freak show" is one of the establishments residing there. A young couple pays a small person a dollar to go inside...and he eats it. This is not a typo, he eats the dollar. I guess it’s to show how, "freaky" he is but he's only small! That's it! You’re telling me that he is one of the freaks?! That’s.....just......depressing. The couple goes inside and they watch a bunch of unexplained weirdness, and one of them is played by Lon Chaney Jr.! Unfortunately he doesn't have any talking roles, and even worse, this was his last movie he ever starred in. We also meet another character who owns the Freak show, Dr. Durray, who also starred in "House of Frankenstein", as Dr. Frankenstein's assistant. Unfortunately this was also his last role as an actor as well! The couple walks out of the exhibit and away to get ready for a seminar for something.
Meanwhile, the Doctor and Groton, played by Lon Chaney Jr. prepare to experiment on a young woman....the very same woman that was decapitated in the cemetery! We see that the doctor has managed to ...um...re- capitate her head to her neck. He talks to Groton about making a serum from her blood, because if you survive getting your head cut off, you now have super special blood. So, the doctor injects Groton with what I think is the young woman's blood, but nothing seems to change about Groton. Only, the doctor acts like the serum worked! Anyway Groton heads outside to the pier.
After Groton leaves to kill more people wandering outside, the Doctor is visited by Dracula. Now, I've gotten past the fro by now, however, Dracula speaks...like the green head from The Wizard of Oz. I don't know...just listen to this:
It looks like he's bored playing the role already, but also sadistic as he does it. Oh, and if you’re wondering, "does he always talk with an echo?", then yes. Yes he does. We find out that Dr. Durray is the last of the Frankenstein's. And while they are talking, Dracula can’t stop blinking. Bela Lugosi would never do that! However one thing Lugosi doesn't have is a hypno ring that shoots fire! Wow...I honestly didn't expect that Dracula would carry something like that. So, we see that the doctor and Dracula are willing to strike up a deal, which is the doctor’s serum in exchange for the body of Frankenstein's monster. We cut to Groton taking a nice long stroll on the beach with his axe. The stars are out, the waves are calm, and there's another young couple making out on the sand....Wait! Watch out!!! ...Too late. We then cut to the protest the other couple at the fair were talking about going to. From what I can tell the protest is ...just a plot device to see them get murdered. Inside of a club, Ms. Fontain is sitting at a table when a man drugs her. She starts to take a trip, while the music plays backwards. I'm starting to wonder if the writers for this film were taking the same thing she was. But for a movie made in the 70's, there's really no wonder that a scene like this would appear here. We cut to back at the lab where the doctor is experimenting with an exploded potato. It looked like this:
Wait, why does the potato have a bull cut? And on a completely unrelated note, where's Frankenstein's monster? It's been a half an hour and we haven't................oh my. OH MY. NOOOOOOO! Why movie? Why? Why desecrate Boris Karloff's image that started his career like that? He looks like a baked potato that you would serve to somebody you hate! He looks like a mutant mushroom! He looks like the dried remains of somebody in a cake batter fight! You know, I wonder how the actor feels to be under all of that make up. Or better yet, I wonder how he agreed to this job offer. Actually I know; they showed him this poster:
Now that's what I want to see! However, the majority of the time, the artist for the cover of books and sometimes movies don't actually watch or read the movie or book they're making the title for. This might be the same case here, where the cover artist might have thought the same as us by thinking, "Wow! "Dracula vs. Frankenstein"? That sounds awesome! Time to make a cover that will capture the incredible magnitude of these grades A monsters duking it out!".....Okay, so maybe he/she wasn't thinking that exactly, but I'm sure there was some excitement.
Now let’s just calm down a second. I know what you want to see. Yes! Dracula and the Frankenstein monster battling! Let’s skip to that, shall we?
(One viewing later)
It’s not worth it. None of it is. The whole movie is a waste. Do you really want to know what happened? Well here it goes: The actual fight starts outside, and it’s not really clear as to why they are actually fighting. Heck, they’re not even fighting! It’s just a struggle until they move from the building to the forest and when they get there you can’t see a thing! At one point I could make out Dracula tearing the monster's arms off. Wait! Shouldn't it be the monster doing that to Dracula? Why?! Why?!
Conclusion: Well that's it! I can't do it! This was a thoroughly bad movie, from start to finish. The acting is bad. The tone they are trying to set is indefinable. The casting is terrible. This movie will leave a bad taste in your mouth if you watch it! My hopes for a good horror icon crossover film has been dashed away, and the fact that this was made sets a good cross over film back about twenty years. But, you know what? Even though an actual movie hasn't been made yet, the battle between these two icons have lasted all throughout their actors carriers. Boris Carloft, who played the monster, and Bela Lugosi, who played Dracula. These two films were both released in the same year of 1931, and gave the actors playing the roles their career. Ever since their pairing up on the big screen, they've been battling to be better than each other. This movie never had and never will come close in emulating this epic battle! I'm not even going to cast this in the same place as, "Santa Clause Conquers the Martians"! I'd go as far to say that I would put this in the category below it! And I cannot even fathom what that category would be titled as. Well, I guess I didn't go in for this movie thinking that it would be executed like this, but I sure as @#!*% hoped something like it would be remade the way I wanted it to be made. I suppose that's kind of selfish, but I can’t possibly be the only human who actually wants to see this!
I can't be.
Guess I'll never figure that one out...
Verdict
I give this "film" 1 Frank Zappa Dracula out of 10
Watch this one if you dare...
(The next three reviews will be gorilla based. Why, you ask? 'Cause I wanna, that's why!)
Why did I have to pick this one for my first science fiction review? Well, I'll tell you why. It's because I'm too curious to see how bad this film was going to turn out. And you know what? I'm going to embrace the possibility that this might be the worst film I've ever seen. With that said, let’s get started! "Santa Clause Conquers the Martians" was directed by Nicholas Webster and stars John Call as Santa Clause. It is also in fact listed annually on the bottom 100 list on Internet Movie Database. The link will be posted at the bottom of this review.
We start our film off with a song that, I'm sure if you showed your kids (if you have any) they would make it an additional Christmas carol…but hopefully not. And it's strange because this is supposed to be a science fiction film, right? Then why are they incorporating whimsical music and Santa Clause?! Well I'll tell you..... It's because it’s a trap, that's why! But I guess if you weren't confused beyond repair, you might find the song catchy. After the opening credits role, we get a shot of a TV, that's being watched by...... kids in Halloween costumes? I'm confused.
So, these kids who think its Halloween, instead of Christmas, watch a reporter taking a look inside of Santa's Workshop. Wait a second!! Is Santa allowing this? Doesn't he need to hide his gift making secrets or magic or something like that? I didn't know Santa went public in 64'. Wow, somebody's been keeping something from me.
So anyway, they do make a clever transition into how Mars doesn't have Santa to bring presents to all the Martian children. So, I guess everything is tied up in neat bow. We take a look at life on mars, and get a quick back story on how Martians live their lifestyle. I never thought I would be writing a review that had that sentence in it. We also have a number of characters with uncreative names and everything! We have Kimar, the king Martian, Momar, the mom Martian, Bomar, the boy Martian, and Girmar, the girl Martian. I'm beginning to see a pattern.
To understand this confused nature of this movie, allow me to quote Kimar, "It's no wonder. They sit in front of their video set all day watching those ridiculous earth programs. It confuses them!" Well you know what Kimar, I'm confused too, and I don't blame your kids who think it's Halloween! Nothing is making sense! And another thing, they must have an incredible antenna. I didn't even know that television signals could reach that far. You know a film is messing with you when you question your grasp on reality.
We find out that all the children on mars are having trouble sleeping, but Kimar can’t figure out what the reason behind it is. So they call a meeting somewhere where Kimar talks with some people.... scratch that, Martians about how to fix the dilemma. For 1964 the color isn't half bad. They seek the help of Chochem, the wise and ask for advice. He explains that, somehow, because it is Christmas on earth, all the children on mars are eager with anticipation for Santa Clause to come and give gifts. He also says that since new technology has come out that teaches everything to children until they are adults.... everything except how to have fun.
After all this nonsense, I believe that the only way to view this is to give into the madness and embrace the nonsensical nature of this film. So, long story short, the Martians need a Santa Clause on mars, so they leave that very night to capture Santa Clause and bring him to mars. There is one character, Voldar, who disagrees with Santa being at mars. Disagreeing with something regarding Santa Clause?! He must be the villain! So, the Martians go down to earth and come across two children, Billy and Betty Foster. You have to love the creativity with these names. So, the Martians kidnap Billy General and Betty Generic, and take them to the North Pole, because you need to have a couple of kidnappings in a kids movie.
I wonder what the demographic was for people that said, "You know what I'd like to see? A science fiction film about Santa. That sure would make me happy!" I don't know what they were thinking, but I hope Nicholas Webster didn't intend this to be taken seriously, as far as science fiction films go. However, they are incorporating thinks like The Soviet Union, and the Air Force. So, one of the Martians takes the kids to the ship and shows them around. The kids hide in a box while the rest of the Martians come aboard to say that they’re going to capture Santa. So, this was, you guessed it, completely pointless.
After the Martians leave, the children come out.... and dismantle the ships power (or something like that) because they don't want the government after them?! WWWHHHAAATTT!? How does that work!? None of that made any sense! If they stay, the Martians will have a greater chance of getting caught and analyzed! But if they leave, they might be spotted, but they'll be out of reach by the time they take off! Billy, you misinformed idiot! Why did you have to go and mess everything up?!
And he does it again, because they get trapped in a cave with a man in a polar bear suit..... I mean a polar bear corners them, away from the entrance. I'm serious, the animatronics lion in the car from, "The Hangover” looked more realistic than this makeshift costume! So, after Betty and Billy's trick or treater attack, they get attacked by another one! This time a man in a robot costume...... I mean a robot shows up! Oh no! I hope they brought enough candy to satisfy his robotic needs. But sadly this robot came to trick and not for treats, and captures the children while we find out that Voldar was behind it all.
However, Kimar shows up to explain that the robot will only obey his commands. So I guess Kimar was just being a jerk, and sent the robot after the children to mess with them. What's that movie? You can’t explain what happened ether? Okay I'll move on. I've just made up the perfect analogy for this film. Have you ever watched a really bad school play that one of your kids is in. You didn't really want to go but you knew that you had to because your child was performing in it, and he or she was the lead something or other. And so you go to this play and it's really bad. But you clap because your kid is up there trying his/her best. Imagine they made one that lasted 1 hour and 20 minutes, only your kid doesn't star in it, and it’s worse than any other play you've been to.
Okay, let’s see where we are now.... oh! So their getting tor, the robot, to tear down the door of the workshop. Apparently Santa's doors are hinge-less. Many ridiculous things happen in the next few seconds, but in the end Santa is captured. So, remember how I thought that the Martians would be long gone with Santa before the Soviet Union found out? Well they did and now we get to watch a thrilling spaceship chase. Oh boy, action? But that doesn't stop Voldar from trying to murder our hero's in the air lock chamber, which they fall for quite comically. All this is going on while Voldar and Kimar are having a Star Trek influenced fight, only it's much more boring because I don't care about any of the characters!
They start laughing after they find out everything is okay. Awwwww.... this film has such light hearted.........and confusing moments, such as the fact that y over 5 pi r squared determines the correct orbit from the planet Mars to Jupiter. Because that makes sense, right? Billy and Betty finally meet Bomar and Girmar. And then Santa comes in and..... they all start laughing..........what the heck? That's...just...creepy.
To continue on, Dropo, the comedic effect Martian, dresses up like Santa and goes down to the workshop to make more toys, but Voldar and his goons broke into the workshop before him, and seem to be the three stooges of this film, although they aren't as funny or likable or talented...the list goes on. They capture, "Santa", and bring him to their hide out. I'm not going to divulge the climax, so I guess I'll conclude this review.
In Conclusion: Oh man, do I have allot to say about this film. Let me start this off by saying that this was incredibly boring....if you’re not 6 years old. I mean this is for really young children. The story is pretty primitive, the villain has no motives, the movie feels like a play, the names are uncreative, and it dragged on in a few places. But, what was I expecting from a film titled, "Santa Clause Concurs the Martians"? To be honest, I had no idea. The one thing that was decent was the ending, because this is when you realize that you’re watching a harmless movie. A movie that just wanted to have fun, to clumsily execute a child's laugh. I'm actually kind of glad that this was made, because no studio today would ever dream of Okaying this to be made. We will never see this side of film again, and that's pretty upsetting. I actually liked John Call as Santa Clause. Was it the worst film I’ve seen.... it actually might have been, and I'm not going to rate this any higher after saying this, but I want you to see this film. I want you to watch, "Santa Clause Concurs the Martians" because I want you to know what you missed out on in 64'. I want you to watch this because there will never be a film as light hearted as aliens meet Santa Clause. In fact, I challenge you, dear reader, to make this a practice. Every Christmas, I want you to watch this movie to see the horrible and carefree world of film that is no more. Thank you for reading, and please follow, +1, and comment. Don't forget to watch this film after reading my review at the bottom of this review, because to believe a film can be this bad, you have to see it.
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